Below you find five signs that your marriage might be falling apart. 

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That’s not to say that just because you face one or two of these issues, it will fall apart. And even if it is quite literally falling apart, there’s usually a chance to turn things around--if you want to. This article touches upon some of the things you can do to turn things around as well. 

Constant Criticism

Let’s take an example. 

In the beginning of their relationship, Ben and Josie would often joke about each other’s failings. They’d go to a BBQ with friends where Josie would joke about Ben being unable to BBQ anything without burning it. In turn, Ben would counter that Josie was happy to have him because he could use a corkscrew. Josie, for some reason, always managed to break apart the cork instead of opening the bottle. 

Five years later, these remarks seem to have gone from funny, to degrading. It’s no longer funny that Ben can’t BBQ a steak—it’s irritating. And that Josie hasn’t yet learned to handle a corkscrew without, literally, screwing up, is childish. 

In short, these and similar comments are criticism dressed up as jokes

On top of it, there’s the nagging. Why can’t he ever be on time? Why can’t she do the dishes more often? Why must he throw his dirty clothes on the floor? Why must she be so slow when getting ready? 

This kind of constant criticisms—whether in your face or “dressed up” as a joke—become incredibly tiring. No one wants to hear about their flaws (whether real or perceived) 24/7. It breeds resentment. And it rarely ever leads to a change in the other person. 

In fact, in the book The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It, Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney show that we pay much more attention to the negative than the positive in relationships. For a relationship to survive, you have to cut out the criticism. Or, when required, present it in such a way that it doesn’t come across as negativity. 

No Respect (Nor a Desire to Please)

Carrie Cole, M.Ed., LPC, master certified trainer, and director of research at the Gottman Institute, says that being a “downer” is one of six signs a marriage is falling apart. 

You come home excited because your favorite celebrity chef is finally opening a restaurant in your town. You simply can’t wait to tell your partner. Who, instead of agreeing to go on a date night there, rolls their eyes. They just can’t understand what the big deal about this chef is. 

What’s more, they don’t buy into your happiness. They don’t respect the fact that you’re passionate about this chef’s cooking. 

They might have become complacent—they take you for granted to the point where they no longer invest energy in anything you say unless they’re really into it themselves. 

They may also have lost their respect for you, and are showing it by giving you a “downer” when you express something you wish to do. 

A loss of respect can come to light in many different ways

For example, when your partner next makes a mistake, you think of them as an idiot. Yet, they’re human. And in the beginning of the relationship, chances are that you thought of them that way—as a human with flaws. 

Likewise, when there’s next a disagreement—big or small—it doesn’t go too well. Because one or both parties get furious. This can come out as stonewalling, screaming, saying degrading things, or simply putting the other person’s point of view down. 

If it’s a healthy argument, there’s still respect for the other person, even if opinions vary. When there’s disrespect for the other person the arguing becomes unhealthy. It becomes a personal attack rather than a disagreement.

Sometimes a lack of respect, at least in some areas, may be deserved. Maybe one party has consistently failed at doing something they should be doing. 

At other times, the lack of respect stems from the relationship falling apart. When you feel unsatisfied or unhappy, you often become disrespectful. And that will bleed into every area of your relationship with the other person. 

Avoiding Responsibility

One party may claim to be completely without responsibility for the failing marriage. No matter what, it’s not their fault there are issues. Ever. Never being wrong is one of the six aforementioned signs Carrie Cole speaks about. 

It might be a bit more subtle than that though. 

For example, one of you might cancel a date night, because “you’re tired.” Or one of you “has a headache” and therefore can’t be bothered to pretend to be interested in a conversation after work.

Suddenly, everything’s an excuse not to put any effort into making sure the other party is happy. There’s an overall feeling that one, or both of you, “just can’t be bothered.” 

Avoiding responsibility, either for issues or for putting an effort into creating a great relationship are both signs the marriage is falling apart. Because unless you take responsibility, how can you fix it? 

Communication Breakdown 

Maybe there’s a recent communication breakdown, maybe you were never able to communicate properly.

When you first meet someone and get high on the attraction you feel for them, you sometimes don’t notice that you aren’t communicating properly. You’re having so much fun. You enjoy the same things. There are no disagreements. Everything’s flowing. 

Suddenly, when you’ve been in a relationship or marriage for a while, there are issues. Because you don’t know how to express your needs. Maybe you feel unfulfilled and don’t know why. Maybe you know why and have tried to communicate it, but to no avail. The other party just doesn’t seem to understand what you’re saying, or your words have no effect—nothing changes.

Or maybe, it’s that everything turns into an argument

If you have different opinions, instead of arguing about the opinions, it turns ugly. You put each other down. You say mean things. You don’t speak at all. You refuse to listen to the other person’s thoughts and feelings. 

Dr. Elizabeth Schmitztold Brides,

On the flip side of the coin, there may be no communication at all. A complete unwillingness to address issues, or even talk about everyday things. 

If one, or both of you, feel that there are issues with communication, chances are there will be less communication. You may think it’s pointless—you won’t be understood anyway. Or you may think it’s scary—you’ll get hurt by what the other person has to say when you express yourself. Either way, communication isn’t working. And without communication, there’s no bridge to keep the two of you together. 

No Desire to Fix the Relationship

Dr. John Gottman, a marriage and family therapist and leading researcher on marriage, has done a lot of study in the field. He found that the likelihood of divorce increases if conflicts are not resolved, or stonewalled by one partner.

And if one, or both of you, have come to the conclusion that the relationship cannot be fixed, then it’s hard to fix it. For the person who thinks that things can’t be fixed, the relationship, in a sense, is over. Because they never think it will get better. They have no interest in putting an effort into making it better. 

Does that mean the relationship is over though? 

Not necessarily. 

If you really want to fix the relationship, you can try to turn it around by doing your part. 

You can stop criticizing and start praising. Make sure to compliment them on different traits and abilities throughout the week. And thank them when they do something you appreciate, even if it’s just to make the morning coffee. 

If you want your partner to do something, such as taking their dirty clothes off the floor, ask them kindly. Don’t nag. It may take a while for them to respond to your wishes if they are used to being nagged by you as they’ll feel disrespected. Once they see you have started respecting them again, things may very well change. They’ll be happy to pick their dirty clothes off the floor to please you. 

You can start respecting their wants and needs and fulfill them. Maybe they want to look good at a business dinner. Instead of sighing about having to go, put in the effort. Whether they need cuddles or want to spend more time with their parents—make it happen. 

Simply take responsibility for showing up, instead of handing out excuses

You can also start to read books on communication or attend seminars. Particularly ones that address communication within a relationship. You can’t control your partner’s communication, but you can control yours. 

Vow to speak your mind respectfully—without any blaming or degrading. Vow to speak about what matters to you. Vow to resolve conflict. And vow to listen and truly try to understand what they are trying to say—whenever they are speaking. Don’t take for granted that you know them and therefore what they’re trying to say. Get curious. Get to know them on a new level. And if you get emotionally triggered by what they say—take responsibility for your own emotions and wait to speak till you’ve calmed down. 

The Bottom Line

The following five are warning signs your marriage is falling apart: 

• communication goes awry
• respect decreases/disrespect increases
• the wish to take responsibility for relationship problems and/or how to show up within the relationship fizzles out 
• criticism shoots through the roof
• the wish to solve the problems doesn’t exist, or one or both parties think there’s no hope for a better relationship

If one or more of these things are happening in your marriage you need to do something about it. 

Here are three things you can do: 

• take responsibility for your part and follow the prompts mentioned above about what you can do (even if your partner does nothing)
• read books on how to create happy and healthy relationships and follow the instructions
• attend couples seminars/retreats and/or get counseling/coaching from a relationship expert (there are even coaches that can coach just you if your partner is unwilling to attend)

If, after all that, nothing changes it’s time to consider leaving well enough alone and moving on. Of course, if things have already reached a critical level you might already want to do that. If you feel uncertain, seek help from a coach, or therapist, who can help you reach clarity.