Breakup Angels January Newsletter

What if you could..?

... Learn more about the opposite sex? 

...Agree to settle at least cost to the kids? 

. ..Get some low-cost help from breakup experts? 

...Start over successfully? 

...Take the c**p out of your arguing?

(Not quite) Famous for 15 mins

I’ll admit that when I was approached by Parent Channel.tv to talk about my experiences for some film they were making with Relate, I hesitated because I like to be the expert, not just a case study. As Breakup Angels weren’t promised a mention (due to them being funded by the Department for Children, Schools and Families who tend to signpost to larger organisations) my inclination was to turn down the invitation.

But fortunately, I swiftly came to my senses when I realised that they (Relate) had started off as an idea too, dropped my ego, I accepted the invitation and made the film -  which is fab, but certainly wasn’t a piece of cake.

Finding answers to questions like ‘How I dealt with divorce’  and 'how did I cope’ come up all the time and don’t faze me; having to think back to the effect on my children of some difficult years was challenging, especially in the light of what I know now and didn’t know then. It wasn’t easy to relate how my children coped with family breakup and with the benefit of hindsight I could undoubtedly have done it better.

Parent Channel.tv is a fantastic resource site with new film being added all the time. If you are a parent I guarantee you'll find answers fast to all manner of issues (not just family breakup). And if you are looking for a better understanding of issues affecting children in family breakup, there are short two films which I appear in (which are, naturally, a ‘must see’  J  ):

• Family breakup 9-14  - How to support your younger children through a family breakup. 
• Family breakup 14-19- How to support your teenaged children through a family breakup. 

What if you could...Learn more about the opposite sex?

What do you do when you look in the mirror? Do you check for faults or do confirm to yourself how attractive you are? According to Breakup Angels expert Mike Gordon if you fall into the former category and you check for faults, then the chances are you’re female and looking for things to repair. If the latter, chances are you are male seeking confirmation you’re good looking.

The mirror example above is just one example Mike gives to illustrate the difference between the sexes. Another is to ask why handbags and shoes are so important to women. (Apparently women like to dress according to our mood - how we feel. Men dress according to how they impress.)  

How many of us fall into the trap of thinking that, just because our partner loves us, they will behave in certain ways – our ways, and we wonder why that leads to frustration, anger and relationship breakdown? How much better would it be if you had a better understanding of our differences and took time to understand and respect each other’s different way of relating and communicating so that our love thrives, not dies. 

We all know the sexes are very different – but have you ever stopped to really consider what a profound impact it would have to learn new insights into the habits and differences of our partners? If you understood just why you (or your partner) are driven to buy a new pair of shoes or handbag every week, and your partner (or you) spends a small fortune on that old heap in the garage, might you both be able to relax with the differences between you, instead of resisting them? 

"When we realise we come from different planets then we can relax and co-operate with the differences instead of resisting them or trying to change them."

The point which Mike makes in the shoe and mirror examples above is that if we take the time to respect one another rather than becoming demanding or resentful, judgemental and intolerant, relationships can be turned around – and when relationships really work, they can be magical. 

But with males and female being so complicated, it’s hardly surprising many of us fail at the first hurdle to understand why we lose that loving feeling for our partners and come from a place of blame instead of creating (or re-creating) the loving relationships we all want and need. 

Relationships don’t have to be a struggle It’s only when we don’t understand one another that resistance, resentment and conflict rear their ugly head. When did you last appreciate that your spouse really does come from a different planet and that’s who they are? When did you last recognise the differences and explore them? 

When we realise we come from different planets then we can relax and co-operate with the differences instead of resisting them or trying to change them. When we are aware of the differences – indeed, that we are supposed to be different – we stop becoming frustrated with each other or try to make the other more like us. 

Last February Breakup Angels invited accountant and partner at Harmony House Mike Gordon to deliver his popular ‘Men are from Marylebone, Women are from Waterloo’ presentation where we learned more about how to recognise and explore the differences between the sexes to enable us to create more fulfilling relationships and understanding of the opposite sex.

Mike reminded us that whilst we are supposed to be different, we also can benefit by unlearning a lot of the past – all those beliefs and values which have been instilled in our upbringing, all the past experiences and influences of friends which don’t necessarily serve us well can be turned around if we want them to.

Personal experience of divorce and my work as a divorce coach have made me hyper aware to some of the damage caused by hitherto ‘normal’ and good parents to their children when one parent has all-consuming feelings of anger and revenge against the other and uses these feelings to persuade the children that the absent parent has abandoned them. When I met Greg Downing,* founder of Parental Alienation- Parent Association and FNF Volunteer for Families Need Fathers, campaigning at a Westminster Debate for parental alienation to be recognised as child abuse, I was keen to use his expertise in an article to help others recognise it for what many believe it is: a cancerous form of child abuse.  

What causes it? Why it does so much harm? What to do about it if you recognise the symptoms? Greg answered all these Q’s and more in our joint article Parental Alienation (PA) is Child Abuse (click for the free pdf download.)  By raising awareness this article we will hopefully help separating parents recognise the damage both parents can cause through mild unconscious to hostile conscious Parental Alienation and spread the word that obstructing contact with a loving parent or family member must become socially unacceptable.

It is also a fundamental principle (UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, 1989) that a child who is separated from one or both parents is entitled to “maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents on a regular basis, except if it is contrary to the child's best interests”  

Prevention is better than cure  Feedback from the article after it was first posted on Wikizine has confirmed that it helped at least one person in raising their awareness as to the dangers of Parental Alienation (PA). One reader wrote: “Reading this article really shocked me but also gave me the impetus needed to confront my STBX (soon-to-be-ex) about her behaviour towards me in front of the kids being very damaging to them, so thank you!! She has dropped out of mediation, and now refuses to go to Relate, preferring a lawyer as she thinks she can get legal aid, so I have begged her to read your article and reconsider.”

Links for further information:  

*  

Parental Alienation awareness, prevention and support -  

www.Pa-Pa.org

Parental Alienation Awareness Day - 25th April www.paawarenessday.com/whatispa.asp 

What if you could. ..Get some low-cost help from breakup experts? 

For those of you who are finding it difficult to make any progress when there are so many demands on your time and emotions run high, Breakup Angels  can help you see more clearly with our inexpensive 1-1 personal support consultation  Refocus Right Now. 

If you are in a tense, stressful situation and would like to find some solid ground under your feet and make some sense of the mayhem, we can help you focus on what's worrying you the most and what you can do to change that.

Refocus Right Now is a personalised support service using the web and the telephone to help you devise a way forward - whatever that might mean. Would you like to save money and time, be truly listened to and able to access the help you want and need to enable you to reduce stress and progress faster?  Breakup Angels offers this personal support service which costs just £67.

It made me think more positively about life after divorce - I now see a way forward & hope.”

*  Valentine special - for newsletter subscribers booking a consultation before 14 February we offer a special discount of £7 off a Refocus Right Now personal support consultation with us and pay just £60. Use the discount code DISC7  before 14 February. Read more here and book on-line for urgent direction and clarity, or contact us here in confidence to enquire how we can help.

It’s SOS time again – and almost two years since Breakup Angels launched at the first ever SOS (Starting Over Show) in Brighton where we hosted the free financial clinic with Breakup Angels experts Bill Smith and Judith Morgan and Jackie and I offered free laser coaching sessions.

The Starting over Show is aimed at  helping anyone going through the trauma of divorce or relationship breakdown . Since the launch the Starting over Show has gone from strength to strength and will take place again at Farnham Castle on Thurs 10 February. For free tickets click here. For a private consultation click here.  

Finally

As one client succinctly put it: ‘You take the c**p out of our arguing...’ 

Can we take the c**p out of your arguing, especially if you are totally flummoxed or even feeling ashamed about what’s going on? Can we help you uncover what’s going on and enable you to take back control of your life?

If this is something you may be interested in, then either call our advice line on 0906 400 6214 (£1.50/min from a BT landline, calls from mobiles and otehr networks may vary) in confidence or for  a fast response by e-mail just click with brief details of the issue weighing heaviest on your mind right now and we will get right back with practical, no-nonsense suggestions. 

Warmest wishes

Kirsten

Kirsten Gronning

Founder Breakup Angels Ltd

www.breakupangels.com

Want to use these articles on your website or newsletter?  You are very welcome, as long as you also write:

Kirsten Gronning of BreakupAngels.com specialise in creating services for people who are facing, going through or getting over relationship breakdown enabling them to save time, stress and money. Download your FREE special report or subscribe to our newsletter for relationship and breakup tips now:   http://www.breakupangels.com

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