When Is Breaking Up the Answer?

Are you really sure that breaking up is the answer? How do you know that? It’s all too easy to think that breakup or divorce is the answer to your relationship problems.

During the last few months some of Jackie Walker's time has been spent working with couples in conflict who just don't know whether to mend or end the relationship. Together they're addressing what they can do about it to kiss and make up or kiss and breakup.

Jackie Walker reports:   
 
""So far with four couples finished to date, it's a 50/50 split - 2 unhappily married couples are agreeing to separate and are doing so with a great deal of respect and understanding which makes the legal process so much easier and the kids aren't being put through an even more difficult time. The other two couples in conflict are working well together. Having had the lines of communication opened, there is a lot more ease and accepting of one another. It really has been very humbling working with these very courageous people. 

I now run couple weekends called 'Two Close to the Edge' for couples who need to find out whether breakup or divorce is the answer and I have a close colleague - Tim Hodgson of Heartstorm - to further develop these groundbreaking events with me." 

Couples Case Study - Cate and Antony

Cate called Jackie because she found her relationship was becoming increasingly difficult. She had just got engaged and they both wanted a family. Her relationship with the step children wasn’t easy and Antony's relationship with his ex wife was volatile and it felt like she was in the middle of their relationship. He felt very guilty at breaking up the family but he also felt ‘responsible’ for ex wife's happiness and for continuing to play a very large part in the children’s lives.

Cate really wanted to know if she was fighting a losing battle. He was keen to get rid of ghosts past.

Over the course of a few weeks of working with the couple Jackie reported that by working with each of them individually, they both learned new ways of handling conflict and became clearer about what mending or ending the relationship meant to them. In addition:

• Antony was introduced to ways to both Teflon coat himself against his ex wife and also learn to recognise how his reaction and attitude inflamed the situation.
• Cate learned how to be less nervous with the children and to stand her ground.
• They both learned how to ask one another questions and find out what they meant rather than hearing what was said.
• They stopped making assumptions and taking things so personally.
• The guilt he had felt for breaking up his family left him.  He was able to let go of feeling completely responsible for his ex wife’s happiness.
• They were able to discuss what planning a baby meant to both of them, and what it meant not to have one. 
• They made huge inroads into being able to let go of their old destructive ‘coping’ patterns, by trusting and respecting one another. 
• They gained understanding by discovering their relationship values and deep love strategy and committed to supporting and empowering one another.

I've learned more in an hour with you than I did in 10 hours with a relationship counsellor. Antony, who worked with Jackie on the 'Two Close to the Edge' programme with his fiancee.

Contact us by phone or e-mail to discuss how we can help you.

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